Sexual Desires
Sexual desires are an important part of God’s plan for men and women. But Satan always tries to derail God’s plans and use them to destroy people rather than bless them. This is especially true in this area. In this article we want to understand what the Bible tells us about purity and how this should or should not be expressed in our lives especially as it relates to the subject of masturbation.
Sexual desires usually begin in puberty. The age of puberty can vary substantially but normally takes place during a person’s early teens. Girls can face this up to several years earlier than boys. In the best of all worlds, this doesn’t need to create a serious problem. Children should be taught enough about themselves that they understand what is happening to them. Parents should teach them about the Biblical standard of purity so they have a reason to avoid experimentation.
However, this world leaves a lot to be desired. Parents don’t always do their part. Peers sometimes share knowledge that children could handle better once they are more mature. Occasionally they stumble into discoveries that lead to a regular practice of masturbation or other moral failures. Unfortunately, the more that sexual desires are gratified through masturbation and immorality, the stronger they grow. They can become almost uncontrollable, as many people can testify.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul speaks to this. The first sixteen verses of this chapter speak about marriage and sexual desire within marriage. However, Paul realized that there were cases where a man or woman was married, and then their partner died. He advised such people to remain unmarried. But he also knew that sexual desires could be very strong, especially for those who were accustomed to regularly experiencing this release. Because of this, he gave permission for remarriage. The way he worded this is interesting and tells us something about sexual desire. He said, in verse 9, that “if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:9)
While he doesn’t explicitly name masturbation in this passage, he seems to be referring to it when he speaks of having self-control. The term, burn with passion, is very descriptive of what many people face. For instance, one girl called our phone team begging for help and prayer. She felt that she just couldn’t give up her immoral relationship. Yet she realized that it was wrong, so she wondered about getting release from her desires by masturbation. When the advisor tried to help her see that this really wasn’t an answer, she almost cried. “Why does God torture me like this?” she asked. In other words, why does God give her these strong desires, then tell her it is wrong to fulfill them.
The problem is that a misused sexual desire grows exponentially in strength, and she was “burning with passion” because she had let her desires gain control of her. It was part of the reaping for the life she was living.
The hippies in the 1960s and 70s had a story that explained this problem.
One day a young man was walking through the jungle and found a baby monkey. It was cute and friendly, so he took it with him and taught it to ride on his shoulder. He would feed it bananas and they became good friends. The young man enjoyed the relationship and the monkey did too.
But the monkey kept growing as time went on. It became bigger and heavier. Finally, one day the young man decided that he would like to eat a banana himself. So, he peeled it and took a bite. But the monkey squealed angrily and reached down and took the banana from the young man. After that the monkey was in control and what had been a pleasure to the young man became bondage. Soon the monkey was demanding more and even more bananas as the young man stumbled miserably down the jungle trails.
Lust and Passion
Desire by itself is not sin. But James 1:15 tells us that “when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin.” A desire can very easily lead to sin. Like other God-given desires, sexual desires can get out of control.
We call such an out-of-control sexual desire lust. The Bible uses the word lust many times. In Matthew 5:28, Jesus said, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” At this point the natural desire has intensified to the point of becoming a sin. It controls your thoughts as you look at a woman walking past or sitting across the table. It has become a “burning passion.” (This is also true of women lusting after men, and people lusting after someone of the same sex.)
Lust can easily lead to masturbation and makes it sinful. By then the person is burning with passion and there is no stopping them.
Many innocent things beyond our control can stir up our natural desires. If it stops at that and we keep our desires under control, the desire can drain harmlessly away. But if we allow our thoughts to get out of control or start fantasizing about a picture or a person that we have seen, then we are letting lust control us. Watching porn or reading explicit literature will do the same.
Unfortunately, lust and passion can get a terrible grip on us. Like the story of the monkey illustrates, what we once did for pleasure ends up becoming an uncontrollable bondage.
Sexual Desire and Marriage
God has given us marriage as a legitimate outlet for sexual desire. But even within marriage, sexual desire can be misused. For instance, I Corinthians 7 makes it clear that each marriage partner is responsible to consider the desire of their partner, not just their own. The man who initiates marital intimacy primarily to please himself is selfish. But the man who is concerned about pleasing his wife fulfills the truth being taught in this passage.
This passage also makes it clear that married people should not feel guilty about their intimate relationships. In fact, it clearly tells them not to defraud each other. If a husband and wife heed these verses, both of them will have little reason to struggle with the temptation of masturbation.
Sexual Desire and Being Single
The last part of 1 Corinthians 7 speaks to unmarried people. Paul makes it clear that marriage is not wrong. He also states that a person who stays single will be able to serve God in a way that married people often can’t. Service in the work of the Lord is possible within either reality.
The Christian who stays single is married to God, in a sense. He can use all his energies to serve God. In fact, because he is not using his sex drive for its normal purpose, he will have more energy to devote to God’s work. Masturbation, on the other hand, will deplete this strength. It will divert his thoughts from pleasing God to pleasing himself. Lust will fill his thoughts, and he will find himself in spiritual bondage, burning with passion, and overwhelmed with lust and guilt.
The Bible has no passage that says, “Thou shalt not masturbate.” But the Christian single needs to dedicate his (or her) life to God and not steal the “strength of their youth” from God for selfish gratification.
“Be an example of the believers… in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12)
Freedom!
Today, people tend to look at sexual gratification as being a right rather than a privilege. The idea that self-gratification is a sin is resisted by much of society. This is the concept that leads to promoting the LGBT agenda, transgender practices, acceptance of divorce and remarriage, recreational sex, and masturbation.
In reality, however, the need to allow God to control our desires is very important in the Christian life. Almost all God-given desires are wrong if they aren’t controlled. Most of them are too much for us to handle on our own. The help of friends and family is necessary and very beneficial, but even more than that, we need God’s help. When we give the control of our lives over to Him, we can enjoy freedom from sin and the peace of living in His will.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalms 51:10)
73 Responses
I am a young Christian woman and I live with my boyfriend due to financial hardship on my end and my boyfriend was gracious enough to allow me to stay with him and does not charge me anything. We both attend church and are strong in our faith. I love the car rides we take just listening to Christian music or speaking of the gospel together. However, since we live together- you can only imagine what happens. We aren’t married, but do have plans to. I feel like we are so deep in our desire for sex that it’s unstoppable. As a woman that wants to please God and be a good disciple. With premarital counseling involved of course, should we move our plans sooner to end this sinful act? This has been a very hard thing for me to even think about, but I must be true to myself and must take action to please God for all. God has been such a blessing in my life and my sins make me feel so shameful for all that He has done for me.
Thanks for taking the step to share your battle. Jesus said, “If your hand or your foot causes you to fall away, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to fall away, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hellfire” (Mat 18:8-9 CSB). I don’t think He was saying that we should mutilate ourselves. But I do think He was saying, “Do whatever it takes to find victory.” That will include moving out and finding a different place to live. If your boy friend genuinely loves you and is a Christian, he will understand why you need to do this, and will give you the help you need. I would also advise getting counselling from a Bible believing pastor (too many pastors don’t fit that description anymore, unfortunately). I would put your relationship to this test first, because it may not be what you think it is. But Paul also said that it is better to marry than to burn [with passion]. I don’t think long courtships are a good idea, necessarily. (If you want to ask more questions, drop a note to this discussion and I’ll send you an email address.)
I feel like the church lied to me about sex within marriage. Ive done alot to get my wife to sleep with me or even do “lesser forms of intimacy” but no luck. I feel like after rejection, I’ve done all I can do or am supposed to do. So in order to get sleep or relieve the stress I do resort to masturbating. But the preacher where I go to prayer meeting says I can if I’m thinking of my wife. So Im not sure what the problem is. (Unless he’s wrong, but hopefully God’s grace will cover that.) Thoughts?
Hello,
I am 19 years old.
I can’t blame God for the choices that I made. I just think God won’t bless me the same anymore because of my sins. Can He? But just to enter heaven and be with Him is the only thing I should desire.
Thank you for your post, it really encouraged me to stay pure and holy for God.
If you have repented of your past sins and forsaken them, then God has removed them from your record (see Psa 103:12). Live for Him today and let Him direct you. Help others to find Him too.
Hi dear
I think 1 John 1:7 will help u
If masterbation is so bad? Why does God give us the ability to quietly and personally release our desires? If anything? Taking care of business by oneself? Eliminates the temptation to sleep around or just marry for sex. How is it any different from scratching your back or your scalp? It’s another part of your body that you alone are “scratching”. If anything? I think it deters lustful feelings towards others that are not your spouse. It doesn’t personally make me desire it more, if anything the relief allows me to desire it less. Inthinknitbis brilliant that God gives us the ability to deal with it ourselves WITHOUT dependency on others. If there is no direct scripture to this point? How can you indirectly”guess” the word as potentially sin, when there is clearly no direct scripture stating it is wrong? That is just perception, not direction?? So where exactly does it say that masturbation is sin? And if you are going to quote “loving oneself is sin”? That is based on pride and boastfulness. So please explain where this can be found. Thank you.
Hello!
I’m so glad I found this page and I won’t be shy at all to pour out my heart here ’cause I know your advice will be a great blessing to me. I’m 21 years old and a child of God but struggling with sexual sin and masturbation as well. I was abused twice when I was 8 years old and a couple of years later after the incident,I started masturbating without someone telling me what masturbation is i.e it came naturally at a very young age and it hasn’t stopped since then despite my prayers and efforts.
I know is a sin but I just can’t get myself to stop. I sometimes weep and blame God for allowing those boys to do that to me and I feel like giving up on God ’cause I’m not able to live a life that pleases God.
I’m not consistent in my work with God because of this bad experience.
The thing is, I’ve never agaged willfully in sexual intercourse but when the thought of the pass of being abused come to my mind,it drives me crazy.
Please what can be the way out of this situation?
Life can be very difficult for adults who are introduced to sexual sin as children, before they even know what it is. By the time they understand that what they are doing is wrong, they are already enslaved by powerful desires. But I believe that even in such situations the power of God is greater than the powers of our bodies. In Romans 7 Paul wrote about the power of the law of sin and death in our bodies and the hopelessness we experience when we are under its control. In the next chapter, however, he speaks about the power and joy we experience when we allow the Spirit of life in Jesus to set us free from the law of sin. The he goes on to contrast between people who have their minds set on the things of the flesh and those who set their minds on the things of the Spirit. I’m sure that by now you are saying, “I want to set my mind on the things of the Spirit. I want to turn my back on the things of the flesh. BUT HOW DO I DO THAT?” The point is that we can’t. Not in our own strength. We need to open our hearts to God completely, and beg Him to take over. He knows we don’t have the power to do this on our own. Read your Bible, especially the New Testament. Start with the Gospels and ask God to show you His way. Ask Him to guide you and give you strength. Find a Christian friend–preferably one who is older than you–and ask her to walk with you and keep you accountable. Study the Bible together. Pray together. Go to church together. Worship God together. The contrast between Romans 7 and Romans 8 is the difference between defeat and victory. It seems that something happens between the two chapters. It may vary from person to person, but it includes giving up control of our life and giving that control to God. He CAN and He WILL, but very few people are able to overcome addictions without help from others.
I struggle with sexual sin often and it’s mounting like a mountain and overflowing like a fountain. It’s getting stronger and growing legs and I want to fully surrender this god in my life to the God of my life but I seem not to ever choose God in the moment. Yes I’ve heard flee from sin but this thing is so tough. I have awaken love before it’s time and I am burning with passion. Any one who reads this please pray or reach out to me. I’m 23 and single a male that desires to please God and love in freedom.
@Edwin “I have awakened love before it’s time and I am burning with passion.” This is a good way to say what happens to so many young people. God gives us these desires for good reason. They give us vitality and purpose in life. But when they get out of control they multiply exponentially and become burning passions that destroy us. Jesus taught an interesting concept in Matthew 18:8, 9.
“If your hand or your foot causes you to fall away, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to fall away, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hellfire.” (Mat 18:8-9 CSB)
I’m not suggesting that you need to literally cut off body parts. I think Jesus is saying, “Do what ever it takes to find victory.” Maybe join a Bible study and accountability group. (If you don’t of one, start one. I’m sure you know other people facing similar problems.) Speak with a Christian counsellor or pastor. You DO NOT NEED TO LIVE IN MISERY, and God doesn’t want you to. Pray, fast, get rid of your TV and internet if that is what it takes. I think you get the idea. Blessings as you face this battle head on.
Thank you for sharing, I was also exposed to a lot of early sexuality. I wasn’t abused physically as such which like you mentioned would be devastating, but I was exposed by mags, videos and conversations. I find it difficult to control masturbation but I know the pictures in my mind are not godly and the distraction it causes and the control over my life does get worse the more I masturbate. I have found a few tools that I wanted to share with you all. Number one is prevention, (do not make provision for it to happen) sexual arousal comes through the eyes and ears, avoid it. Another one is like sugar addiction or any addiction or bad habit. Become a different identity in order to overcome. Imagine that it’s possible and make a plan. And script what you’re going to do and how to prepare out loud. Replace that desire with a satisfying physical and weekly activity (exercise, swim, massage, cuddle time). I read the book atomic habits and it’s the same advice as the Word of God. Make it easier and more satisfying to obey and make your identity the identity of a person who does not need to satisfy their sexual desires to feel content. Don’t make it just a goal but apply processes and find ways to create a new story in your mind. How important is it to masturbate? Do I really need to? I’m not alone I have the Holy Spirit and so many amazing enjoyable things I can do with my body instead. I can be content. ????
I have diminished it a lot I’m not yet completely free I’ll be honest but I’ve come along way. Also I forgot to add, have blood tests and hormonal tests low iron makes it difficult to control your mind and desires. Hormones like high testosterone makes the urges worse too.
God bless
In Christ
Thank you guys for the fruitful sharing.
You are truly being honest, and I must say, God knows you more than you know yourself, take the time you still have single to do the most you’ve ever done for God, because surely the time of your rejoicing is nearer than you think. Remember God is faithful